emotion

Week 43

October 23, 2012

fight :: flight :: wanting :: empty :: grateful :: standing still :: fear :: joy :: drowning :: hide :: escape :: time :: vulnerable :: struggle :: tired :: on the go :: alone 

it is strange.  i am not a person to openly share my emotions.  yet i feel i have been doing it a lot lately on a portal that does not have a curtain to hide behind.  but i do not know how else to navigate through this stage.  it is yucky and messy and cannot be bottled up. 

the things i struggle with the most shouldn’t bother me so deeply anymore, but they struck me at my core and i fear, i know, it will be something i will be dealing with for the rest of my life.  how does someone deal with cancer?  how does someone deal with death.  (and four of them in one year?)

there are good days.  there are bad days.  and the bad days are usually accompanied by tiredness.  and that is what i am.  tired.  at least this tired is just lack of sleep and not because of nightmares that haunt and wake me up in the middle of the night crying.  among this tiredness, i am also in the flight stage of fear.  right now i do not want to be held to any of my obligations.  i am in an ‘anywhere but here’ stage.  what i really want is to sit in the sand on an empty beach by myself for as long as i want. 

clearly, that will not happen. 

i think what i really need is something good to happen. 

………

and then two minutes after i write this post i find this quote:

sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next. ~will smith

………

note: i wrote this on some down time at work, and after getting these words out i feel much better.  less stuck, at least for the time being.