So…how am I doing?

  

To be honest, I’m not really sure.  Ok, I guess.  It hasn’t sunk in on what happened the last few weeks.  I’m not sure how to put this into a comprehensive thought process so here are bullet points to what has been floating around in my mind.

• ·         I feel like dad is out running errands or something and I just haven’t seen him.  It hasn’t hit me that I’ll never see him again.  I’m waiting for that day to come.  It’s not a question on if that day will come…it’s a question on when.
• ·       I want to type up the events of what happened.  I don’t know if I want to share, but I want to have the story for my scrapbook.  At the same time, I want people to understand that it’s not an easy story of he was there one day and gone the other.  It’s about how he did a complete 180 within 24 hours.  How he coded while we were at the hospital.  Talking about options with doctors…5 doctors to be exact.  About how we had to make the ultimate decision…the one he would have wanted.
• ·       I am completely heartbroken that our family trip that I had planned for in July is now no longer happening.  It was a trip specifically for my dad.  I don’t want to go without him so it has been cancelled. 
• ·       I have fallen in love with D all over again.  The man he has become through this series of events has stunned me.  He is so good, even though he hurts too. 
• ·       My dogs are incredible.  They can tell something is up…something is different.  May has given up her dog bed to be near me all the time.  One night, she even came into room with me while I got ready for bed.  When I sat on the floor to pet her she rested her head on my shoulder.
• ·       I am in complete awe of how many people came to the visitation and funeral. 
• ·       I didn’t really feel dad at the funeral or visitation.  But I feel him in the little things.  A warm breeze.  The very first buds that my peony bushes are creating.  The birds that come visit mom’s feeders all day long.  This hasn’t happened yet, but I know I’ll feel him every single time I hear a train horn.
• ·       I only teared up at the visitation and the funeral, I didn’t cry.  I held it in….because I’m like my dad in that way.
• ·       The day after the funeral I had the thought of, ‘Ok, all this excitement cane be over.  I’m ready for things to go back to normal.  I’m ready to have dad home.’  That same day I just really wanted to hug him.
• ·       I’m sick of the days where I wake up tired and my mind hasn’t kept up with reality.  And then it comes flooding back into view.  It makes me weak in the knees and sick to my stomach and I don’t know if that will ever go away.  And even though it pains me, I’m not sure I ever want it to go away either.
• ·       I’m trying to keep my weekends busy.  Like I said earlier, one day things will come crashing down.  And I want to keep myself busy.  I’m a planner and I need to keep having things to look forward to.
• ·       I’m a little anxious about what Father’s Day is going to look like this year.  I have a feeling I’ll be turning off social media that day.