52 List : Six : Enjoy the Front Porch

When it’s the morning of the day you bury your last grandparent and you reflect on how much hurt has happened to one family in a six year time frame.  2 cancer diagnosis, 6 deaths, and a baby who might not be.  Sometimes the only thing that feels ok is getting some fresh air and rocking.

This is not what I had in mind when I made this prompt, but this is how it took place and it’s ok.  I was restless and things just weren’t working smoothly in the morning.  So, I cleaned off the porch and the swing and rocked for about 30 minutes.  I could have been out there all day, but that’s all I had before I had to get ready for the funeral. 

I wasn’t necessarily closer to this grandparent over the others. She was just the last one to go and therefore was the closing chapter to an era of my life.  There is something so final when you no longer have a grandparent.  And as an only child, I realize that the only people left in my direct line is my parents. 

I held things together while I rocked.  I held things together while I sat on the shower floor and let the water gush over me.  But I couldn’t hold it anymore when I was on the phone with my mom and she could hear it in my voice just after saying hello.  Everything finally caught up to me.  I wish I could say I felt so much better after the tears.  But I didn’t.  I went on to the funeral.  My aunt did a eulogy and did a good job.  However, she re-iterated all the hurt that has happened to this family.  And when she got to my dad’s battle with cancer, I lost it.  D even told me that he teared up during the eulogy. 

Even though the day is over I am left feeling bruised and emotionally drained.  I know this will go away eventually.  It doesn’t happen overnight, but little by little each day. 

**Note: The baby mentioned is not mine, but my cousin’s unborn daughter.  Things are beginning to look up again and she isn’t as sick as originally thought.  However, she will be having a series of heart surgeries in her early days of life.  Prayers are welcomes and appreciated.

Completed: March 16, 2016

52 List : Five : Make Pizza from Scratch

This is the first time we made pizza from scratch, and oh my, I think this will become a much more frequent event in our house (despite waiting for dough to rise for 6 hours).  We used this recipe.  It was very good, and a good beginning, but there are some tweaks we will make before next time.  We haven’t found our favorite yet, but I bet that will be added to our to-do list. 

Completed: March 13, 2016

"I wish I knew a worse word than fuck."

"I wish I knew a worse word than fuck."

I overheard D say that one night while playing video games.  I am not one to say that word and I wish I knew a word that had even more mean meaning to it than fuck, so I can say it to cancer's face.

But cancer would just respond with, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me."

Touche.

I've been banned from posting something on Facebook right now.  And since no one reads this blog and if anyone does, they don't know my dad.  So I can vent in this space.

I can't go into too much detail because there is so much unknown right now.  But this is what I can tell you.

Three weeks ago dad stopped treatment.  The cancer moved enough that the treatment he has been on for the last 18 or so months is now no longer working.  They did a biopsy and he has 50% cancer in his body.

Yesterday, mom and dad went to KU to discuss options.  We are finally at that point where the options are becoming fewer and a lot more difficult.  I won't discuss that now because there are so many other factors and tests that have to be done before he even makes a decision.

On their way home from KU, they got a call.  Within those three weeks that he hasn't had treatment, his protein in his blood went from an 8 to a 10 and his creatine level went up.  The cancer is moving and at a pretty good rate.  They decided to put him in the hospital to get fluids for the next 48 hours.  If his body responds to that, they they will give him all day treatment and then do a PET scan.  Assuming the treatment works and the PET scan comes back the way we want it, we begin the long, scary road.

If I never update this with details, but I tell you I'm in NYC, know that his body is responding well enough for us to give him a fighting chance, but that we are also on the scariest road there is.

12of12 | March 2016

01. They woke up bright and early.

02.  Breakfast for us.

03.  What a dreary, rainy day.  Went well with the mood.

04.  All ready to go see grandma and grandpa!

05.  Going through photos of my grandma with my dad.  Trying to get her memorial video made.

06.  The reason I take photos.  It's the one thing I can hang on to forever.  It's the only way my children will ever know who my grandparents were.  Pieces of paper that froze a moment in time.

07.  Finally getting to the video making part.

08.  Headed home to see dad.

09.  Meal planning for the upcoming week.

10.  He plays video games while the dogs unwind.

11. I'm obsessed with this show.  I'll be sad when it's over.

12.  Goodnight.

12|52 : Goodbye Grandma

Week Twelve

March 16, 2016

My final goodbye to my grandma.