52 List : Six : Enjoy the Front Porch

When it’s the morning of the day you bury your last grandparent and you reflect on how much hurt has happened to one family in a six year time frame.  2 cancer diagnosis, 6 deaths, and a baby who might not be.  Sometimes the only thing that feels ok is getting some fresh air and rocking.

This is not what I had in mind when I made this prompt, but this is how it took place and it’s ok.  I was restless and things just weren’t working smoothly in the morning.  So, I cleaned off the porch and the swing and rocked for about 30 minutes.  I could have been out there all day, but that’s all I had before I had to get ready for the funeral. 

I wasn’t necessarily closer to this grandparent over the others. She was just the last one to go and therefore was the closing chapter to an era of my life.  There is something so final when you no longer have a grandparent.  And as an only child, I realize that the only people left in my direct line is my parents. 

I held things together while I rocked.  I held things together while I sat on the shower floor and let the water gush over me.  But I couldn’t hold it anymore when I was on the phone with my mom and she could hear it in my voice just after saying hello.  Everything finally caught up to me.  I wish I could say I felt so much better after the tears.  But I didn’t.  I went on to the funeral.  My aunt did a eulogy and did a good job.  However, she re-iterated all the hurt that has happened to this family.  And when she got to my dad’s battle with cancer, I lost it.  D even told me that he teared up during the eulogy. 

Even though the day is over I am left feeling bruised and emotionally drained.  I know this will go away eventually.  It doesn’t happen overnight, but little by little each day. 

**Note: The baby mentioned is not mine, but my cousin’s unborn daughter.  Things are beginning to look up again and she isn’t as sick as originally thought.  However, she will be having a series of heart surgeries in her early days of life.  Prayers are welcomes and appreciated.

Completed: March 16, 2016