May 28

May 28 is an important day in my family.  

It is a day of remembering and a day of celebrating.  

Remembering how fragile life is.

Celebrating that there is still life left to live.

May 28 is a day that changed me.

It changed my life.

It changed my family.

2 years

730 days

17,532 hours

1,051,898 minutes

63,113,852 seconds

May 28, 2010.

(This is taken from my post May Twenty-Eighth from 2011)

One year ago today my life flipped upside down. One year ago today everything I knew changed. One year ago today my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a blood cancer.

The Background:

In December of 2009, my dad graduated from nursing school. Throughout school, he kept saying he wanted to work in the OR, ER, or critical care unit. He enjoyed the blood and guts of the operating room.  But once he graduated he didn't go out looking for a job.  Mom and I became concerned.  We later learned that he wanted to work on his nursing skills before he specialized in anything.  In March of 2010 he finally went to the hospital and he got a job on the spot, which they never do.

Problems:

Everything started off great. Dad had awesome mentors and he enjoyed the work. But after a few weeks he started to get pain in his legs and back. We figured it was from working 14 hours days nights, standing on his feet, lifting people, etc. It got so bad that dad wouldn't leave his bed unless it was a day he worked. After his 8th week of orientation mom told him he couldn't go back to work until he went to the doctor.  We knew something was wrong and we knew he needed to be looked at.

On May 27, 2010 dad finally went to see our regular family doctor. Dad couldn't hold up his own leg. The doctor knew something was up so he did some blood work and scheduled an MRI for June. 3 hours later mom got a phone call from the doctor's office saying my dad was in acute kidney failure and had to get to the hospital right away. So they packed up and headed to the hospital not knowing the worst was still to come.

During this, I was in Kansas City, where I go to school. I was planning on staying there for the summer with hope of getting a job. When I heard my dad was in the hospital I decided to drive home the next morning.

That Morning:

May 28, 2010

I remember I woke up kinda early. I wasn't feeling to well with my allergies and just wanted to go home and be with my family during this rough time.  The entire hour ride home I played different scenarios in my head.  If this happens, then I move back home.  If he is ok, I will go back to KC, etc. The next thing I knew I was arriving at the hospital. As I pulled into the parking lot I got this horrible sickening feeling in my stomach. Something was wrong and my mom wasn't telling me everything. I even told her that as I picked her up from the parking lot to go run a few errands. She didn't say anything to my comment and it was soon forgotten.

It's bad.  I have cancer.:

When we got back to the hospital dad was in a prep room for surgery to have a central line put in.  Once we did all the normal greetings, things changed and got a little more serious.  I remember dad put his hand on my arm and told me the news was bad. He had cancer. They found out early this morning. I immediately started crying. My dad cried with me. I was 21 years old, and it was the first time I saw my dad cry.

The next few hours were a blur...literally.  Everything happened through rounds of tears.  We didn't know what he had.  We didn't know what the life span was.  We didn't know if he would fight.  We didn't know anything.

As time went on we learned dad had stage 3 Multiple Myeloma.  There is no stage 4 in this type of cancer.  But the important thing was to fix dad's kidneys first, then we would work on fixing the cancer. For those who don't know, kidneys functioning level is determined by a protein called creatine. Normal is around 1.0, 12.0 is critical. Dad was at 11.98. According to his doctors there wasn't much hope that dad's kidneys would come back and if they did it most likely wouldn't be to normal level.  In fact, he had less than a 5% chance.  We were told he would need to have dialysis 3 times a week for the rest of his life. As far as the cancer, he needed to have a transplant once the cancer came down to a certain point and when his kidneys got a little bit better. Our oncologist said he hoped dad's creatine would be around 3 or 3.5 when the transplant would take place, but we wouldn't worry too much about that right now.  So they started dad on dialysis right away for about 6-7 hours every day. By the third day they stopped because his kidneys responded so well and they wanted to see if his kidneys could hold their own.  They did.  After a few weeks, his kidneys came to a normal range. Daddy never had dialysis again.

Dad had bone scans done and we found out he had some fractures in his legs, back, and skull.  This happened because all the protein and calcium was leaking out of his bones and going into his blood.  This is part of the reason he was in kidney failure, because your kidneys filter your blood.  These fractures were also part of the reason he was in so much pain back when he was working.

Fighting Cancer:

Once dad's kidneys came back we were able to fight the cancer full force. He started chemotherapy a few days after he was admitted into the hospital and by October he was able to have a bone morrow stem cell transplant.  I won't go into much details of the transplant process, but it was the roughest thing I have ever seen.  Basically the transplant process kills your entire immune system.  Dad had to go into isolation (from other people-mom and I were able to be around him).  Daddy lost all of his hair and became incredibly weak.  For about a month the only way he could get from one place to the other was in a wheelchair.  Dad finally got a little bit stronger and was able to make it out of his room by Christmas time.

Follow Up:

In February, he hit his 100 day mark (after the transplant) and his cancer progression was reassigned.  They found a little bit of the cancer left in his body so his prognosis was 'pretty good' remission, not complete remission.  He went back on a low dose of chemo, which they do even if the patient is in complete remission--studies have shown that it prolongs life.  In May of 2011 he began is inoculation again (he has to get all the basic shots a baby gets).  And just a few days ago they found that there is only a teeny tiny line of cancer still in his body.

After:

It has been exactly one year.  My little family has been through so much.  We experienced numerous trials and triumphs.  And most importantly we experienced many, many miracles.  I moved home immediately after dad was diagnosed and spent many evenings watching movies with him through his recovery time. We have become great friends with our doctors.  They have experienced all the hardships and joys right along with us.  But most importantly we are all still here, fighting together as a team.  A friend of mine once told me that God doesn't play by numbers.  She couldn't have been more right.  We have overcome what science has told us.  Because according to science, my dad wouldn't be here today.

And now.

We are given a little hiccup.  

If you have been following this story you would know that dad was recently in the hospital.

He was sick with a gangrene gall bladder, which is not cancer related (we don't think).

But what I didn't share,

what I didn't know how to share,

is that the cancer is coming back.

At the moment, dad's white count is low so they had to take him off of his maintenance chemo in order for his white count to go up and for him to heal completely from the surgery.  

So right now, we just wait.

I don't know what will happen when he gets the all clear, but we have various possibilities and options to fight this cancer again.

Maybe putting him back on the maintenance drug will help, maybe trying different drugs will do the trick.  

I don't know.

But what I do know is that all we can do is wait and hope that this is just a bump in the roller coaster and not for the long haul. 

my now

i feel like all i seem to talk about on here lately is heartache and death.

but to be honest,

from october to january, it really didn't hit me on what was going on in my life.

i wasn't fully comprehending what the 3 deaths in 4 months really mean.

that these lives are gone.

forever.

missing.

but now it seems like i am finally catching up with life.

and i am starting to feel it

and process it.

the last few days i've had this feeling of wanting to go to the cemetery.

i don't know why.

the last few days i've wanted to go there,

but i don't.

something stops me.

for some reason i cannot explain.

and because i don't go and calm this storm, it is there reminding me of what is my now.

it is like an unwanted guest

sitting in the corner.

and they won't leave.

Holding On And Letting Go

Week 1

January 7, 2012

In the last year I have learned that life is one big balancing act.  

There are some things and events in life that are worth holding on to with dear life. 

And then there are other things that you don't have any control over.  

Things that are better off if you just let go of them.

This year I hope I live in a way that I let go of the little things that don't really matter.

This year I hope I live in a way that I hold on to the things that really truly matter.  

And never let those go.  

I am a college graduate!

Week 50

December, 16, 2011

The day I graduated college!

And a few other pictures...

Getting ready to walk across the stage

Me and my friend Shannon!  So glad I met this girl!

Me and mom and dad
(December family photo)

Jody came to see me graduate too!

The last four and a half years have been such a whirlwind of emotions, trials, and triumphs.  But I am glad I went through each one of those.  They have molded me into the person I am today and I am grateful. 

{Week 49}

I meant to take a picture last week, but with multiple school projects and getting sick, it just didn't happen.  So here is week 49...a week late.

Either way--it is pretty exciting!

I am officially done with school!

No more studying, test, projects, or homework.

I am done!

Now it's time to celebrate!

WooHoo! 

Week 48

Week 48

November 27, 2011

Just trying to stay strong.

52 Week Update | Week 44

Week 44

November 4, 2011

Another day, another outfit, another life lost.

These Years...

On my hour long drive to school I was reminiscing about the last four years and how unexpected and unplanned they were.  I have just completed my second week of my last semester of college and it is strange to think this chapter is coming to a close.

When I graduated high school I had high hopes of how college would turn out.  I was ready for the new adventures and excited for 'the best years of my life.'  I think in my mind I would meet Mr. Right, create friends that would define my adulthood, life with my closest friends, and have crazy wild memories of all the fun times we had together.    But of course, these didn't happen...at least not how they should in my mind.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, because like I've mentioned before, my life never follows the norms.

My freshman year started out great.  I was never homesick.  I met a lot of people and had a lot of fun.  It was an adventure and I was having a blast.  About half way through, things started to go downhill.   I had a pretty bad roommate who disappeared in the middle of each semester.  (I still have no idea where she went.)  I also had my first, somewhat serious, relationship.  It ended horribly.  So bad that it took me the rest of the school year and the entire summer to fully recover.  (The relationship wasn't horrible because it was my first broken heart.  It was horrible because he had changed how I viewed myself and it was in a very negative way.)

My sophomore year got better.  I had a roommate that was actually a good friend.  We had a lot of fun together, but her degree sent her to a different school where her degree could be completed.  I became more active and rushed Delta Sigma Pi, a business fraternity and Gamma Alpha Lambda, a Christian sorority.  During this year I also embarked on another relationship.  The outcome was obviously not good and resulted in me to ward off boys all together...at least for a little while.  (Long enough to say that this was my last relationship to date, but I've become more open to the thought of dating again, when the time is right.)

My junior year went downhill even more.  I moved off campus and had high hopes for apartment living.  The decorating, the new living environment, it was all so exciting!  However, I ended up moving in with some friends (more of acquaintances) who are a couple (boy/girl).  They were controlling and I felt very out of place.  I pretty much lived in my bedroom and only came out to get something to eat or to leave for class.  And of course, when I moved out at the end of the year, they were not happy.  (Too bad!)

Then summer came.  It was the summer my entire world changed.  My dad was diagnosed with cancer.  You can read the post here.  The following year, my senior year, I moved back home and commuted 2 days a week for class.  I stayed as a full time student and took care of my dad the days I didn't have class.    With only taking 12 hours for the last 2 semesters, it pushed me back a little and I am now on my 3rd semester as a senior.  (No big deal.)  Then the summer after my dad was diagnosed, his younger brother died in a freak accident.  Both of these situations have proved how fragile life is and how much it is taken for granted.


I'm not really sure why I am sharing all these personal details of the last four years of my life.  The events that happened in these four years were not what I had in mind four years ago, but there is a little part in me that is thankful for these years.  I may not have found my person and I may not have created a solid group of college friends, but I did meet some incredible people who I know I will be friends with for a lifetime.  I am thankful I have maintained my high school friends throughout these years, which is often difficult to do.  And there still holds hope to find my person in the next stage of my life...if not found by December.  (Haha--who am I kidding!)

In all, these years are unforgettable.  These years hold the biggest impact to my life.  These years have molded me to who I am today.

May Twenty-Eighth

1 year

365 days

8766 hours

525949 minutes

31556926 seconds

May 28, 2010.

One year ago today my life flipped upside down. One year ago today everything I knew changed. One year ago today my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a blood cancer.

The Background:
In December of 2009, my dad graduated from nursing school. Throughout school, he kept saying he wanted to work in the OR, ER, or critical care unit. He enjoyed the blood and guts of the operating room.  But once he graduated he didn't go out looking for a job.  Mom and I became concerned.  We later learned that he wanted to work on his nursing skills before he specialized in anything.  In March of 2010 he finally went to the hospital and he got a job on the spot, which they never do.

Problems:
Everything started off great. Dad had awesome mentors and he enjoyed the work. But after a few weeks he started to get pain in his legs and back. We figured it was from working 14 hours days nights, standing on his feet, lifting people, etc. It got so bad that dad wouldn't leave his bed unless it was a day he worked. After his 8th week of orientation mom told him he couldn't go back to work until he went to the doctor.  We knew something was wrong and we knew he needed to be looked at.

On May 27, 2010 dad finally went to see our regular family doctor. Dad couldn't hold up his own leg. The doctor knew something was up so he did some blood work and scheduled an MRI for June. 3 hours later mom got a phone call from the doctor's office saying my dad was in acute kidney failure and had to get to the hospital right away. So they packed up and headed to the hospital not knowing the worst was still to come.

During this, I was in Kansas City, where I go to school. I was planning on staying there for the summer with hope of getting a job. When I heard my dad was in the hospital I decided to drive home the next morning.

That Morning:
May 28, 2010
I remember I woke up kinda early. I wasn't feeling to well with my allergies and just wanted to go home and be with my family during this rough time.  The entire hour ride home I played different scenarios in my head.  If this happens, then I move back home.  If he is ok, I will go back to KC, etc. The next thing I knew I was arriving at the hospital. As I pulled into the parking lot I got this horrible sickening feeling in my stomach. Something was wrong and my mom wasn't telling me everything. I even told her that as I picked her up from the parking lot to go run a few errands. She didn't say anything to my comment and it was soon forgotten.

It's bad.  I have cancer.:
When we got back to the hospital dad was in a prep room for surgery to have a central line put in.  Once we did all the normal greetings, things changed and got a little more serious.  I remember dad put his hand on my arm and told me the news was bad. He had cancer. They found out early this morning. I immediately started crying. My dad cried with me. I was 21 years old, and it was the first time I saw my dad cry.

The next few hours were a blur...literally.  Everything happened through rounds of tears.  We didn't know what he had.  We didn't know what the life span was.  We didn't know if he would fight.  We didn't know anything.

As time went on we learned dad had stage 3 Multiple Myeloma.  There is no stage 4 in this type of cancer.  But the important thing was to fix dad's kidneys first, then we would work on fixing the cancer. For those who don't know, kidneys functioning level is determined by a protein called creatine. Normal is around 1.0, 12.0 is critical. Dad was at 11.98. According to his doctors there wasn't much hope that dad's kidneys would come back and if they did it most likely wouldn't be to normal level.  In fact, he had less than a 5% chance.  We were told he would need to have dialysis 3 times a week for the rest of his life. As far as the cancer, he needed to have a transplant once the cancer came down to a certain point and when his kidneys got a little bit better. Our oncologist said he hoped dad's creatine would be around 3 or 3.5 when the transplant would take place, but we wouldn't worry too much about that right now.  So they started dad on dialysis right away for about 6-7 hours every day. By the third day they stopped because his kidneys responded so well and they wanted to see if his kidneys could hold their own.  They did.  After a few weeks, his kidneys came to a normal range. Daddy never had dialysis again.

Dad had bone scans done and we found out he had some fractures in his legs, back, and skull.  This happened because all the protein and calcium was leaking out of his bones and going into his blood.  This is part of the reason he was in kidney failure, because your kidneys filter your blood.  These fractures were also part of the reason he was in so much pain back when he was working.

Fighting Cancer:
Once dad's kidneys came back we were able to fight the cancer full force. He started chemotherapy a few days after he was admitted into the hospital and by October he was able to have a bone morrow stem cell transplant.  I won't go into much details of the transplant process, but it was the roughest thing I have ever seen.  Basically the transplant process kills your entire immune system.  Dad had to go into isolation (from other people-mom and I were able to be around him).  Daddy lost all of his hair and became incredibly weak.  For about a month the only way he could get from one place to the other was in a wheelchair.  Dad finally got a little bit stronger and was able to make it out of his room by Christmas time.

Follow Up:
In February, he hit his 100 day mark (after the transplant) and his cancer progression was reassigned.  They found a little bit of the cancer left in his body so his prognosis was 'pretty good' remission, not complete remission.  He went back on a low dose of chemo, which they do even if the patient is in complete remission--studies have shown that it prolongs life.  In May of 2011 he began is inoculation again (he has to get all the basic shots a baby gets).  And just a few days ago they found that there is only a teeny tiny line of cancer still in his body.

After:
It has been exactly one year.  My little family has been through so much.  We experienced numerous trials and triumphs.  And most importantly we experienced many, many miracles.  I moved home immediately after dad was diagnosed and spent many evenings watching movies with him through his recovery time. We have become great friends with our doctors.  They have experienced all the hardships and joys right along with us.  But most importantly we are all still here, fighting together as a team.  A friend of mine once told me that God doesn't play by numbers.  She couldn't have been more right.  We have overcome what science has told us.  Because according to science, my dad wouldn't be here today.

Changes and Decisions

A lot has happened the past 2 days.  A lot of decisions.  I don't know if I am excited or what,  but it has resulted in losing sleep.  I hope this doesn't last too long.

Two days ago I got to see Matt Wertz in concert for the first time!  He was awesome live.  Ben Rector opened and another one of my favorite singers, Dave Barnes guest appeared and sang my favorite Matt Wertz song with Matt.  I was in heaven!!!!

(I apologize for the horrible photos.  I could kick myself for not bringing my good camera.  I have learned my lesson.)

Ben Rector-opening act

Matt Wertz

Matt Wertz and Dave Barnes

Matt Wertz and Ben Rector

Matt Wertz with the band

Me and my friend Mallory

Picture taken from Matt Wertz-I'm on the left :)

Some other things that are going on around here--

-I registered for Silpada Conference.  I can't wait!  And I ordered the new event bracelet, it is SO pretty. 

-Found out that I can graduate in December rather than splitting up my last 6 classes in 2 semesters! Woo-Hoo!!

-Bought a new shirt and I cannot wait for it to come in the mail!

-Cuddled with Abby last night.  I can tell she missed me the day before because I didn't come home after the concert-I spent the night with Mal.

-Need to pick out a dress for formal at the end of the month.

-Planning some little trips for the summer (and some big).

-School is ending in 4 weeks and there is still a lot to get done....

-Thinking about upgrading my phone when the new iPhone 5G comes out.  I've never upgraded, I always wait till my phone dies.  If I don't do this-then I'll probably keep my old iPhone and get a new camera...maybe.

-Debating if I want to start doing photography as a side job.  If I do, I don't want it to take away the joy I get from having it as my hobby.

-Taking my winter clothes out of my closet and putting in the summer clothes!

I hope this becomes a great spring/summer.  I can feel it in the air!  

Change

Yesterday was a rough day. Nothing particullary bad happened, I just realized there is a lot of change happening in my life. Change for my future. Instead of dwelling in my current activities, I need to focus on what lies ahead for me. I've learned the hard way that I can not do everything and that it is not healthy to spread myself too thin trying to cover everything that is expected and then some.

As I was realizing this yesterday a verse from a song came to mind. It is called Resolution by Nick Lachey.

I'm standing on the edge of my fear
And I see it clear
Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
And I just want to be the best man I can be
Breathe, it's my resolution

Here we go...let's see how this year turns out....