Some days I wonder how I keep moving. To not surrender myself to my bed for an entire day. An entire week.
Life is awesome. Life is precious. Life is extremely hard.
My new job takes up 9 hours of my day. 9 hours that I don't get to myself. My job is great, though. It has become clear that they like me and have plans to keep me. At the beginning of my 4th week at work I was told by my boss that "I'm organized (even my piles are organized), I get my work done in a timely fashion, I ask questions when I don't understand, I look for something to do when I'm all caught up on my own work. I have a good head on my shoulders." I was told that I am in the process of becoming a buyer. And I got a 30% pay raise. Being quiet and a good kid in school, I was often over looked and never rewarded for anything I did. This acknowledgement at work means more to me than they will ever know.
Then there are days when I get off work and go babysit. Once again, making my days even longer. Some nights it is 2-3 hours. Some nights it's more like 5 hours. But I love the kids I watch. I love hanging out with them and playing with them. I love that they bring a smile to my face. It warms my heart when I'm told by their mothers that they keep asking when I get to come over to watch them.
It takes time to keep up with my 5 photo projects. But I do them for me. To keep me sane. To document. To remember.
It seems like every weekend since April has been filled with traveling or weddings or both. And that is great. I usually have fun, but those wear on me too.
All of these are normal things that wear down a person. But they are all temporary. The work days eventually ends and it is over. But what happens when your mind constantly plays the negative what ifs. They come so fast that you don't even realize it is happening and then it is too late to stop them from coming. What if these images seem so clear that they could be real. Life they actually happened?
Two weeks ago, I was at a wedding with a friend. During the father daughter dance I began to get a little emotional. I thought I had it under control, but when my friend asked me what was wrong, I cracked and the tears came running. I had to leave the room and tried to sob silently.
I don't know if I'll get get to dance that dance.
I can picture my dad walking me down the isle when I get married. But I can also picture my mom giving me away while I carry something that reminds me of my dad. I can picture wanting to tell dad something and him not being there. I will hear a song and think it will need to go in his slideshow. I can picture making the slideshow through blurred eyes and a dripping nose. I can only imagine what my 52 week project will look like the week he goes. And these are just a few thoughts. The ones that visit frequently.
I can picture him not here. And I don't like it at all. I don't want this to be a part of my life. But it is. Without purposely making cancer be a big part of our lives, it is. I'm slowly losing the feeling of what our lives were like before cancer. And it has only been a part of our lives for 2 years. How is it possible that I'm beginning to forget?
See. Sometimes I wonder how I even get out of bed. How I put one foot in front of the other.
And then, I get a text message like this from a friend from before 7AM. "Hi Megs! Hope all is well. Miss you." Funny that she should ask me that on the day mom has her first colonoscopy and dad goes to KU Med to consult with the doctors about what the next step is. She had no idea all this was going on. When I told her, she replied with "I think Got told me to pray for you and your family last night-seriously."
While I hold it together on the outside (most of the time), I often feel like I'm losing it on the inside. And this is just proof God hasn't given up on us. He is still fighting right with us, even when I feel my hope is slipping away.
And then I'm told---
"You're the strongest girl I know."
*****
Well, dad met with the doctor today. He had blood work and a bone scan today. He is scheduled to go back on Monday for more testing. And then more appointments at the beginning of July. Dad said the doctor wasn't happy to see the cancer is coming back and should all the tests go alright, he will be having another transplant this summer.
How are we here again so soon?
My favorite time of day. I don't know what it is, but there is a certain time in the day that is just so peaceful and magical where I live. I've lived in many places and I've only experienced this in the town I live in now.
My latest sweet tooth obsession...Mint Oreos. They are the only Oreos I eat. So good!
Mom and I are pet sitting for the teacher my mom works with. This is Opie. He is the coolest cat ever. (Petey (the dog) was outside running around during this, but he is pretty cool too!)
I would have had a perfect funny face from an outtake of a photo I took for my 52 week project last week, but I deleted it before I saw this weeks prompts. Boo. And... my family and I do not do funny faces very well. So I'm sharing a favorite from a few months ago. Because my baby girl is just too goofy and silly and I love her. And this photo makes me laugh.
